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Editorial

Words, words, words. Not even our poorer cousins in Africa can now escape the snowstorm of meaningless jabber, beamed 24 hours-a-day over every frequency in the electro-magnetic spectrum to all four corners of the earth. Wherever you care to look, whenever you care to choose, there is a carefully scripted sound-bite telling us how to live. Telling us who to vote for. Telling us how to die.

Between the commercial breaks, of course.

Why then, I hear you all cry, does the Wheneverly persist in adding to this 21^st century cacophony of media babble? This incessant reinterpretation, dramatization and hypnotic dissimulation of the cruel and pitiless global society in which we live? Because, gentle reader, among all that noise there are still some voices fighting for truth and social justice, and the Wheneverly is firmly among them.

What are our weapons? Unrelenting self-criticism. The determination to submit our own Western bourgeois values to scrutiny. Boundless imagination. The universal, instantaneous reach of electronic networks, open to all those eligible for a credit card. A belief that free market economics will not lead us to Utopian bliss. A belief that our only salvation lies in high-fat cuisine and a decent knowledge of red grape varieties.

As you are all no doubt aware, the Wheneverly tells it like it is. With this first edition of the 21^st millennium we delve into the darker regions of the human soul. Who can say what monsters live within us all? What abominations we keep secret from even our most intimate friends and lovers? How often have our eyes slipped longingly from our partner to their domestic pet? Or lingered contentedly on a particularly attractive household appliance?

That is the challenge we issued to our readers in our last memorable issue, ‘Bedtime Horror Stories for Children Who Really Ought to be Sleeping’.

The response was nothing short of phenomenal. Within days, submissions were flowing in together with handsome cheques from institutional subscribers and philanthropists. Storage space had to be found to accommodate the growing piles of manuscripts. The editorial committee worked far into the night, cooking, drinking, finding the solution to world peace and occasionally perusing a submission. A huge backlog accumulated which has taken well over 10 months to sift through.

We know you will enjoy those spared by the sudden fire which destroyed the editorial committee room following a failed attempt at Crevettes flambées au Grand Marnier. They are all assembled here in our trademark hip-pocket format, allowing you to taste the cream of contemporary literature and saturated fat recipes wherever and whenever you feel a psychotic urge coming on.

Our next edition, in keeping with the results of our Internet survey, will be focused around the theme of ‘Unexpected Erotica’. Put down that vibrator, pick up a pen and get busy right away! Don’t make the mistake of thinking the longer you put it off, the greater the final satisfaction. Take your life in both hands and make a decision - whenever...