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Nightmare

by Matcham Caine

You want to know what my all-time worst nightmare was as a child? Well, it wasn't the theme music to Doctor Who which always made me leave the room in a cold sweat. Nor was it the washing machine which I feared would walk out of the laundry and run me down. They were bad enough, but there was worse.

It wasn't snakes under the bed, either. Or snakes in the bed once that thought grabbed hold of me. They were nothing compared to the dark corridor leading to the bathroom at night. I imagined all kinds of evil men jumping out at me. But they weren't my worst nightmares, either.

I remember once I nearly drowned in the ocean when I convinced myself I could breathe underwater, but I wouldn't call it anywhere near my worst nightmare.

Cauliflower gave me nightmares. So too, but worse, did brussels sprouts which made me gag. Brussels sprouts. I had nightmares about being caught hiding them in my cheeks, or under chicken bones, or in glasses of milk, but I wouldn't call those my worst nightmares either, despite what my father did to me. No, not even close.

I worried the wind really would change and freeze my face in an idiotic expression. I worried about lock-jaw and rabies and ABBA breaking up and the Giant coming down the beanstalk, but they're little league by comparison. I had an actual recurring nightmare about a steel ball rolling towards me getting bigger and bigger all the time. I'd wake up in a cold sweat, but there's still worse.

I worried I would die before my Birthday and not get any presents. Then I'd think the same thing when Christmas came around. I even feared I would die before the year 2000 and miss out on playing my part in history. I still do. I worried my parents would tell me I'm adopted and they never really loved me. I worried I would become too old for pop music and become like my father. That nightmare came true, but there's worse still.

Brothers Grimm frightened me senseless. So did Craig who used to beat me up. I worried puberty would never happen to me, and for a while it looked like it wouldn't. I worried about being left alone in the house at night. I also worried about babysitters. I worried all week when my first girlfriend said she wanted to kiss me. Maybe I didn't have nightmares about it, but I didn't sleep. I did have nightmares - bad ones - about my dog who got run over, but these too weren't the worst.

No, my all-time worst recurring nightmare, the one which made my stomach tighten, which blurred my eyesight even thinking about it, was the one I had most often. I had it all my childhood and to some extent it still haunts me. You want to know? I'll tell you, but you mustn't laugh. It was simply but horribly that I was different than all the other kids.