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Party Animal by Johnny Burke The wee Scotsman on the door had been ranting at us for quite some time before making himself enough of an irritant for us to turn around and face him. "Fuckin' great, fuckin', great fuckin', great party man, fuckin' great, know what I mean, dancin' dancin', loadsa' fuckin' d......" Sinead dealt him a thorough, no-nonsense slap round the face. He needed it. He might have gone on all night. The slap stopped him dead. He looked from Sinead to me, back to Sinead up at the sky, down at his feet, balanced between anger and retreat. Sinead, smiling sweetly from ear to ear, head tucked demurely to one side, breasts heaved up like two sand dunes, leant forward and kissed him on a cheek, giggled, muttered "Crazy, crazy", grabbed my hand and dragged me down the corridor, leading into the house, towards the rumbling dampened thump, thump of feet dancing and bodies twisting. We were nearing a closed door, on the other side was, I could tell, going to be an eye-opening rampaging cacophony of electronic drums, screaming samples, souped-up bass lines, noise and sweat. "Bring it on!" I thought to myself, "Bring it on!" Just before we reached the door, Sinead turned and threw me up against the wall, her huge bouncing flanks pinned me tight, her face, all gossipy sweetness, came up close to mine. I thought she was going to kiss me. But instead she said slowly, deliberately, so that I was sure to hear each word: "What - are - you - missing?" I didn't understand. "What - are - you - missing?" I thought of my wallet and quickly put my hand into my trousers pocket to find it. Sinead saw my movement, looked down between her huge mango tits at my hand in my pocket, looked back at me, serious, amused, sympathetic, "Oh you poor poor boy. How very tragic. How very..... How very..... CRAZY!" Her sympathy broke at the end of the sentence and she fell into a cackling laugh, deep and resonant. Her breasts shook like two loaves of unbaked bread. "No balls! Crazy crazy! Crazy fucking Crazy, you poor poor petal!" She broke off her laughter mid-shake, her expression changed to conspirational, she whispered. "So, you wanna know what I'm missing?" I nodded yes. "You'd never guess, crazy crazy, you'd never guess, but look ... " This large bouncing girl pressing up against me reached behind her back and started to unzip herself, or more exactly, to unzip her body. She pulled off a padded shoulder and peeled down a fleshy arm, then rolled her breasts down to her waist, looked up at me and smiled, but it was a dangerous, fragile smile. She was little more than a skeleton. She couldn't weigh more than five stone. Quick as flash, she'd put her body back on, plump and bouncy again, whispered "Anorexia" into my ear with syrupy breath, pulled open the door, turned to look at me, said "Follow me ..... if you got the balls for it!" and then rushed headlong inside, yelling at the top of her voice " CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY!"
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