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Sugar High by Robert Braid Big jelly doughnuts covered in glistening grease.
How I'd like to lick the bin at Dunkin' Donuts where all the jimmies
fall. Just stick my tongue in the
colored sugar and feel the energy. Sometimes
we can feel one with things that don't even exist, but for some reason that
doesn't seem to bother us. Rain
that drips down my neck on cold October days is infinitely more real than, say,
God. But here we are trying to win
lottery tickets to the Hidden Valley Ranch.
Baco' Bits aren't real. And
it's comforting to know that some places still charge extra for bleu cheese
dressing, though I have a hard time convincing myself that it's really bleu
cheese and not just bleu flavored cheese dressing.
And what about Caesar salads. Don't
these people know, these same people who are often overweight and wear would be
pretty dresses over very shiny shoes to service, that Caesar was a pagan? He was even head of a state that would go on to feed
generations of lions on grade A Christians.
Where's the justice! Who was
the very first Christian to bite the dust in the arena?
Well? And here we are naming
salads after the man that poked Cleo and had life-time box seats for the
Saturday morning sacrifice. And a
damn good salad at that. Think
about it, cheese with oil on lettuce and old crusty bread. It's excellent. And
you can quote me on that. And
people eat that thinking it's healthy. "I'll
just have a salad." And I'll
just have a slab of raw boar's meat on a bed of heavily salted lard drenched
potatoes. Oh, and don't forget the
mint jelly. Who ate the lions is
what I want to know. Jesus ate
nothing, his friends (we call them disciples) ate him, lions ate the disciples,
but who ate the lions? I had a
class in ancient Roman history but I forgot to
ask. Damn.
But we eat Caesar salads, though it's probably not as good as eating
lions. I think I saw a hyena
suspended from its hind legs with its neck slashed open in the market the other
day, but I could be mistaken. I
wonder if hyenas make good pets. Or
maybe they eat you when you try to pet them.
Why don't they through Christians to the hyenas?
That would be excellent. Especially
since a lot of today's Christians are fat, not like the old Jesus-eating
variety. It's because they're
eating Caesar salads when they should be eating Jesus wafers.
That would trim them down. You
ever taste that stuff? "Don't
chew it," the nun would say. "Would
you chew the flesh of Christ?" Frankly
I wouldn't be sucking on it either if I had the choice.
I'd go to Dunkin' Donuts and stick my tongue in the jimmy bin.
But that's a pagan hang-out, isn't it?
They don't even serve wine there and we all know that no Sunday is
complete without a sip of the ol' Jesus juice.
Besides, they have girls with pony tails there behind the DD alter and
there's something not quite kosher about servants of God that give you a chubby.
Even DD doesn't have a lion doughnut.
That's it!!! Why am I
teaching English when I could be selling lion doughnuts?
King of the Jungle Krollers. Jesus
ate nothing, his disciples ate him, lions ate the disciples, and we can eat
lions. Maybe even the Pope could
bless them or something. They've
got to taste better than Christ crackers. We'll
fry them in lard and dip them in sugar, then everyone will want to be a
Christian and nobody would eat Caesar salads anymore.
Might even be tax-deductible!! I
am excellent. Let it be known.
Lion doughnuts and wine for all my friends.
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