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Words Kill by Jonathon Green It’s been said that the longer a person rambles the shorter the lifetime of the ramblee. Or I said it at least and it’s true. Lengthy missives on boring subjects are particularly prone to snuffing the life out of unwary listeners or readers like you for that matter. So stop reading this right now because this will do you no service whatsoever. This will not broaden your mind or bestow you with penetrating new insights never before contemplated. Stop it. I mean it. It will kill you. You’re still reading this despite my warnings. Are you aware that there are only so many utterances of words allocated to people in their lifetimes and that each time a word is spoken it’s ticked off their allotment leaving fewer remaining and possible in the rest of that person’s life? Many people are under the illusion that that restriction only applies to words spoken by them. Not true. In fact it applies to every word encountered by each individual in their entire existence whether it be spoken, heard, read, dreamt etc. This is a severe limitation, as once words are used up a person’s word-fuelled life force is snuffed out resulting in early death. Stop reading now. You are wondering why I keep writing if what I say is true. I am not ashamed to report that I am currently in the act of committing suicide. It’s not an easy thing to do when you have as enormous a word allotment as I do. I have to keep saying certain words like rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb over and over just to try and deplete my word stocks a little. It’s hard, it’s boring, it’s my destiny destiny destiny destiny destiny (way too many of “destiny” remain). I’m trying to help you… don’t read on. So why not just write for myself? Why inflict this both suicidal and murderous act on innocent people like you? You deserve to know. For each reader of each of the words I have written I am credited. In other words if I write the word “axolotl” just once as I just did, you reading it counts as another use of the word for me as much as it counts for one use of the word for you. And you don’t get many uses of words such as axolotl, axolotl, axolotl, axolotl. So by being published in The Wheneverly, I’m able to use up words at least five or even six times as fast as by speaking the words out loud at home on my own. Clearly you have had enough of this tortuous world as I have had enough. You want to die today. Personally, I have just one use of a certain word to go. But, before I utter my final utterance, let me say this EDITOR’S NOTE: It turns out that Mr Green was (unbeknownst to him) short of the word “this” and that his eighth use of that word in this submission caused his early demise. We don’t look forward to any further submissions from him.
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